Midweek Musings: Exciting news and Daph updates

Phew! It's been a busy old week. Oli has started rehearsing for his new show, which has meant childcare musical chairs for everyone so that I can still do my in-house office work. Again, thank god for my mum. It'd be so much easier to get Daph a childminder sometimes but I don't think anyone would have us with our annoyingly inconsistent hours.

But anyway, the future is looking a bit different (read: exciting!) for me, as I found out last week that I got a place on the Faber Academy 'Writing a Novel' course. I applied a few months ago and it's been literal agony waiting to hear if I got on - I even googled myself into insanity by finding someone on Mumsnet who had applied for the same course and was offered a place about a month ago. I was convinced, therefore, that I hadn't got on.

For those not in the know, it's a six-month course, run by publishers Faber & Faber and based in their Bloomsbury office. It's spawned a load of exciting writers, including SJ Watson (Before I Go To Sleep) and numerous book deals. It's not cheap, and even though a few of my friends said I was mad to apply because a) one of its main aims is to get you a literary agent and I already have one and b) I could just spend the money on clothes and write the damn book on my own, I really really love working with others and meeting new people and collaborating and just sharing experiences. I'm a bit of a sucker for training/education in that sense. And it gives me a goal - I'd like to finish the first draft of the new book I've just started by the end of the course, and doing it also means I HAVE to take writing seriously for the next few months. It's so easy with writing to let it fall to the back burner in favour of bread and butter stuff (which is obviously essential!) but I feel a bit like it's 'now or never' for me. I'm really lucky in that I've still got money left from selling my business so I can afford to have a career break right now. Although I am still working a couple of days a week too, as well as doing my half of the childcare... hmm, hopefully my social life will still be there when I'm done?!

Oh, and eeep, the course I'm doing is run by Joanna Briscoe. Even more exciting. If a little intimidating.

Anyway, before I found out I got a place I started writing something new. Something a little bit different and a little bit risky but I'm feeling fired up about it which is such a great feeling after so long. I forgot how addictive and obsessive writing can become when you're excited about something!

In other news, we took Daph for her development check up yesterday. The doctor was pleased with her progression re crawling, but she's still not pulling up to stand, or standing by herself if we pull her up. She also always rests her weight on her tiptoes - in fact sometimes her feet kind of curl right over so that she's resting on the top of her foot which looks so painful and wrong! He said she has really tight calf muscles (weirdly so do I) and in fact her muscles are a little 'too strong' so we have to massage her feet and ankles to try to get her to put her feet flat. He seems to think she'll get there eventually, but she may walk on tiptoe for a few months. Like I've said many times, she ain't gonna be an Olympic gymnast, bless her.

He actually said he was more worried about the fact she wasn't using specific words for specific people/things yet. She's thirteen months old on Saturday and a few of my friends with babies of similar ages don't seem to think theirs do either, but perhaps they're being nice. Daph says LOADS now - makes a huge range of sounds and lots of baby googledegook with mixed consonants/vowels etc. But nothing really specific. She says Dee Dee and Daddy a lot, but not at anything or anyone in particular. She also says 'Dink' which my mum thinks means she wants a drink but I've yet to really truthfully spot a correlation there. So a bit concerning but I still think she'll get there - we know she's running on a slightly delayed schedule but she does seem to always find her way in the end. The doctor even said she might just be a bit shy at trying to do things she's not good at, which kind of makes sense, she's definitely a cautious soul! Anyway, he told us to come back in two months if she still wasn't using five or more words with meaning, and then he'd 'refer her right away'. So another little target for our little girl - fingers crossed she can do it!

Our (not so) new house!

Finally! It's my long overdue through-the-keyhole post! Sorry it's taken me so long to get this up - to be honest I wasn't really sure how to approach blogging about the house because we've done a few bits before moving in but really it needs a LOT of work, but the budget and time aren't quite there yet. So I thought I'd start with the 'Before' pictures - here goes! - here's what our house looked like when we first got the keys. These pics were taken by Oli, so apologies that they're not hugely professional! They weirdly make the house look quite dark when it is anything but.

A little bit more about it... it's a four-bedroom terraced house in a really lovely little cul-de-sac in a rather pedestrian town in Surrey. It was built in 1969, and is surrounded by £2m BEAST houses, so we think our cul-de-sac was actually the huge grounds of a bigger house that obviously got knocked down and developed on. But this was back in the days when developments were far more sympathetic to their surroundings. As a result, it's just a small string of five houses in a row, all slightly offset, which means we don't completely overlook each other's gardens.

They are 'architect designed' (I used to think all houses were but apparently many are designed by builders and the like) which means they are quite quirky, with asymmetric zinc-topped roofs, and huge windows in all the rooms - the windows originally went down to the floor but the previous owner said it was like living in a fish bowl so she had them changed for more traditional ones. We'd like to get them changed back at some point.

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I think what we love most about it is the quiet! It's such a shock after living in London, where ambulance sirens blazed past at five-minute intervals (downside of living right by St George's Hospital). We also have a garage in a separate block, which we have predictably filled with crap already.

I know that 1960s/70s houses aren't to many people's tastes, but we love the space and the open-plan layout and the fact they are so much cheaper than period properties. We actually also offered on a period house round the corner just before this one - much more 'pretty' and trad and charming with open fires etc, but then we found out it had been underpinned, so we pulled out. In hindsight I am so glad we did as it was on a much busier road - cul-de-sacs are bloody awesome, seriously. I can leave the buggy out the front and never worry someone's going to come along and nick it, and I've also just instructed Amazon Prime to leave things in the porch if we're out (how middle class is that sentence).

And best of all, is the garden. It's 80ft long, green, peaceful and SOUTH FACING - which was one of our dealbreakers. It is amazing and I'm so glad we moved in before the weather turned so we got to make the most of it.

I haven't got any before pics of Daphne's room as we decorated that pretty much straight away - I'll do a room tour post about it ASAP. The bathroom and downstairs loo are also not worthy of sharing - the bathroom is newish but I find it really horrible and depressing for some reason - I'd LOVE to change it but really we can't justify it.

First of all, we want to build a garden pod for Oli to have as a studio, and then replace the large downstairs toilet with a shower room (there's only one bathroom upstairs). And then change all the flooring - it has cream carpets throughout which are just totally unsuitable for Daph as well as being old and stained. And THEN we have to tackle those horribly upsetting tiles in the hallway and kitchen.  I'm not sure what flooring the hallway would have had originally - maybe lino? - as there's just concrete under there. So lots of decisions to make and planning to do. We want to add a 60s/70s vibe about the place, I think, rather than making it super contemporary but we also don't want it to look totally naff. It's quite a challenge!

Midweek Musings: Hedgehogs, Childcare and (not) Working 9 to 5

Did I mention before that we have hedgehogs in our new garden? Every evening they scuttle past the French windows on their way to two doors down, where our neighbour leaves food out for them. They're really fast as they zip back and forwards! Yesterday Oli did some gardening and we unearthed one hiding under a plant - he didn't look very impressed to see us but wasn't obviously injured, so we left him there. I was worried about him though, because it said hedgehogs that were out in the daytime were probably in trouble. And this morning he had moved himself about a foot onto the lawn and was just lying there not moving, so we phoned our local Wildlife Rescue centre and they told us to bring him in. We've left him there overnight and we find out if he made it tomorrow. Fingers crossed, poor mite.

In other COMPLETELY unrelated news, today we went to view a nursery. Oli and I have been back and forward on the subject of childcare for Daph - we both work pretty random and unconventional hours. For the past few months I've been working one and a half days a week for a company - one day in the office and half a day from home, and then freelancing as and when stuff comes in. So Oli is usually able to look after Daph when I'm working in the office. Then the rest of the freelancing I do when she's napping or Oli takes her out for the day, or I do it in the evenings. Either way, it's worked quite well so far, except for when Oli's been working away and my mum's had to step in (my mum is a lifesaver!).

However, Oli starts a new job next week - he's going to be the vocalist for Vincent and Flavia's (of Strictly fame) new show The Last Tango. Thankfully it's only in the west end, not a tour (he was offered the tour of the same show last year but given that rehearsals started the day Daph was born, it wasn't really feasible. Plus I'd been a tour widow for most of my pregnancy and it's a bloody lonely life so I confess I did do a bit of weepy pregnant woman emotional blackmail). But anyway, he'll be leaving the house at around 4pm to get to work, which means I can't work do my full day in the office any longer. Most people would just get childcare and we have considered it, but it's so expensive and feels like a bit of an indulgence when we can probably make it work with a bit of juggling (luckily my office job is flexible!).

As for work... I've actually been trying to work less over the past few months - in hindsight I was crazy to start trying to work when Daph was only four months old. I think it was just my pride taking over, trying to prove that being a mother wouldn't stop me from carrying on as before. But now I look back and think why the hell didn't I just have a proper break and relax?! I remember going in to do a freelance day when I'd had about three hours' sleep - it was such a struggle to get through the day and I just felt dizzy and disorientated thanks to the bucketloads of caffeine I'd thrown down my neck. I've turned down quite a bit of freelance work in the past month or so which is terrifying (usually if you turn stuff down you don't get asked again) but at the same time quite liberating.

I really want to have a proper break and thankfully I do have something incredibly exciting planned for the next six months (more on that soon). But long-term I need to focus on what the heck I am going to do next. As I've mentioned before I didn't plan on having no job to return to after having a baby but thems the breaks. Freelancing is great for the flexibility but boy is it lonely, and I really miss being part of a team and, well, office gossip in general. So, I'm seriously considering retraining, but that's a whole other blog post...

Them vs Us

Another controversial post for you today... It's something I've been thinking about ever since I got pregnant. And something I perhaps shouldn't confess to but, you know me, I like to be honest. And overshare. And tell people things that are best kept to myself. Hmmm.

But, anyway, it's Sunday after all. Confession time. Here goes: before I got pregnant I used to view women with children in a rather unsisterly way. I don't know what it was, but a part of me thought they'd kind of failed the feminist movement somewhat by conforming to biological stereotypes rather than going out there and changing the world (I am aware of how ridiculous this sounds, it's not like I was changing the bloody world either). But I thought they'd taken the 'easy option' by choosing motherhood over furthering their careers. And I was aware that lots of women did manage to further their careers while becoming mothers but they seemed to be in the minority and seemed to spend the entire time banging on about how hard it was, which just struck me as showing off.

It may sound absolutely insane. Like I said, it was just a small part of me - I'm not completely inhuman, I did also understand that they were sacrificing many of their wants and needs for the future generation. But I would roll my eyes if I was on a train and heard two mothers chatting about some aspect of their child's care as though it was the only thing that mattered. I'd get irritated if I heard them complain about how tired they were (you CHOSE this life, I'd think, very uncharitably, suck it up). I'd hate the women with pushchairs in shopping centres who'd ram past me to get to where they wanted, completely oblivious to my existence. I'd tut out loud at children having tantrums in supermarkets. I'd do a SATC Samantha at badly behaved children in nice restaurants. I'd inwardly judge women who decided to be stay-at-home mums with fierce prejudice. I'd even be a bit pissed off if a pregnant woman without a bump yet barged past me on the tube to grab a seat.

I know, I know.

It really did feel a bit 'them vs us' - the childless (or childfree as I liked to think of it) versus the mothers. How horrible of me. But I don't think I'm alone in feeling like this*.

If I'd had a difficult day at work, I used to think how easy mothers had it, being at home all day watching This Morning and online shopping. HA! One thing I have learned: there is nothing mentally harder than being at home alone all day with a young baby. Single mothers have my utmost respect.

One of my friends said that having a baby is like joining an epic worldwide club. A club of overtired, empathetic women. It's so true. You suddenly feel sorry for the pregnant woman on the tube who knows she has to grab that seat because at ten weeks she feels lightheaded standing. You offer her yours gladly. You feel deep sadness for the poor woman trying to have a nice meal out while containing a bored hyperactive toddler. You wish you could help. When you see a woman pushing a hooded pram with grim determination you notice her eyebags and stained leggings and you wonder how old the baby is, and how much sleep she had the previous night. You want to reach out and hug her and tell her that it gets easier, it really does. When you hear women chatting about childcare, you feel great relief that you're not the only one going through such things and often end up joining in (motherhood is a great way of getting talking to ANYONE!). You feel these women ARE you, they belong with you, you GET them and you like them even if in your former life you would have had nothing in common. It is actually one of the best bits of motherhood - this sudden deep solidarity with other women.

I wonder why the old me felt so scathing of mothers. I wonder if it was jealousy, or some kind of defence mechanism. I always worried that I wouldn't get around to having children and that I'd regret it long term - was this my own survival instincts prepping me for the future? Telling me somehow that that life was crap, that I'd had a lucky escape? I don't know. I do know I feel a bit ashamed now. It doesn't mean I don't look back on my old life and think, god that was a great life, I had so much freedom and time and opportunity. In many ways I miss it. I miss being one of the childfree. Because without a child, you ARE free. I am aware of motherhood's limitations. I don't think that there's a clearcut winner in the 'having a baby' versus 'not having a baby' life choices. Both have their difficulties, both have their advantages.

But at the same time, this new empathy, this new KINDNESS and respect for others that I've developed since having Daphne. That's something I didn't expect, and something I'm so grateful for.

I guess the short version of this post is: motherhood has made me a nicer person.

* It may be that EVERYONE feels like this before they have kids, in which case, I feel much less sociopathic. 

Midweek Musings: My 'tiny' break

When is a mini break not a mini break? When it's a tiny break. That is, just 48 hours in total. I got back from Edinburgh yesterday afternoon, exactly 48 hours after I left. And I believe I have now cracked that great mystery of 'how to have a successful holiday after having a baby'. The answer, my friends, is: Leave The Baby At Home.

Sorry to be glib. It actually wasn't that easy, but it wasn't that hard either. I dropped her off with my mum (who she loves to death) and only felt a tiny bit teary as I walked away - she was totally happy and playing so it wasn't some great big emotional scene. The train journey up was bloody lovely - nice and quiet and I read a whole book and scoffed Pret and it was like being a grown up again. I also bought OK magazine for the first time in ages but never actually got round to reading it. I feel I need to mark this as some sort of pinnacle of maturity. The thing is, I usually buy Red mag (if I buy mags at all, which I never do any more - my 15-year-old self who dreamed of being a magazine journalist would be beside herself with sadness) but there were none left in WHSmith in Kings Cross. So I bought OK because it's the kind of crappy thing I usually like reading in the hairdresser's. But when it came down to it: just me, the train and the magazine, I found that I actually didn't care. I looked at the cover several times, taking in all the trying-to-be-tantalising-titbits about various slebs I was vaguely aware of and I found I didn't care enough to even open the damn thing. How times have changed.

Hmm. Not sure what the point of that little sidestep was, but I guess as an admission it won't help my 'career' if I ever decide I want to get back into the meeja properly. Anyway... yes, my tiny break. Edinburgh is bloody lovely. Beautiful. Why did no one tell me this before? I've only been to Scotland a couple of times before - once on a rather disastrous honeymoon with my ex husband (we stayed in the middle of nowhere in the Highlands in JANUARY and it was freezing and boring and the water in the toilet was brown because it was filtered through peat or some such nonsense - anyway, nothing romantic about that trip) and then once for a wedding. I never knew Edinburgh was so pretty, and had such fab landscapes all around it. Also, thank you weather gods, because the sun shone all day - we walked 16km exploring the city as much as we could and I enjoyed every second. I didn't even think about the baby much, which makes me feel ashamed and feminist all at the same time.

She was fine, anyway, and had a lovely time with her grandparents. And best of all, Oli's show, Simply Bowie (a pared-back, Jazz interpretation of some of David Bowie's hits), was a phenomenal success. They had no PR budget yet it was packed out every night, they were on Scottish TV and BBC Radio Scotland and the feedback was unanimously positive. I was so proud and I've been blathering all about it all over social media ever since we returned. But in case you've missed it, you can check out his Facebook page for more info and you can also buy the album on iTunes (or stream it, if you can figure out how on earth to use this new bloody Apple Music - if you can, you're a wiser (wo)man than me).

My only regret about Edinburgh is that I was only there for one day, and that day was the last day of the Fringe, so lots of the shows had already finished. As a result there wasn't much on offer to see, and the atmosphere was a little more subdued than I had expected. I did however, get to witness the awesome last night fireworks. So, you know, swings and roundabouts.

First birthday party ideas: Bubblegum Balloons

Just a quick post from me today because - yay - it's nearly bank holiday weekend and I'm sure everyone has more exciting things planned than reading blogs. But I just had to give a massive plug/mention to Bubblegum Balloons. If you follow me on Instagram you've probably already seen that for Daphne's first birthday we bought her a personalised balloon, filled with confetti. That, along with a car seat, was her only present from us. Bear with me...

When my sister turned one (she's now 32 so that's a loooong time ago) my parents filled her cot with balloons on the morning of her birthday and there's a photo of her waking up completely mesmerised by these rubbery things all around her (luckily not freaked out, as I fear Daph would be, but Sophie is a little bit more fiesty). So for some reason I got it into my head that I wanted to do something similar for Daph - but something maybe a bit less scary.

I can't remember where I heard about Bubblegum Balloons - probably on Instagram, but they are the loveliest UK company and they make beautiful balloons for all kinds of swanky occasions - weddings, press launches, fashion shows etc. It's such a simple but genius idea - STYLISH balloons that you can personalise. Most of them are filled with confetti (as the one we bought Daph was) and have beautiful little 'tails' attached, and are perfectly weighted so that they sit quite happily on the floor (they're filled with helium). Better still, they come tissue wrapped in a simple white box - watching Daph's face as we opened it and the balloon floated to the air was just a magical experience. And she LOVES it.

We've had hours of fun out of it already - her pulling the tail to bring it down, headbutting it, watching it twirl about... it's almost better than her plastic piano (current favourite toy du jour). She laughs her head off when she sees it. We bought her a pretty confetti balloon filled with hearts, clouds and stars, but we did notice after there's a circus one (she LOVES elephants) so I think next year we'll go for that one. It wasn't cheap, at £36, but it was worth every penny. A week on and it's still going strong too!

As well as the helium balloons, Bubblegum also sell super cute mini balloons on sticks and conventional ones you blow up yourself. The customer service was great too - I realised I had ordered Daph's balloon to be delivered the day after Daph's birthday - well done mummy - and they brought it forward without any bother. Have a look at the website - highly recommended!

Midweek Musings: Surviving!

Oh god, I'm writing this during Bake Off, so I guess no one will read it. But anyway. Just a quick update and a big thank you to everyone who gave me tips for surviving my week home-alone parenting. So far, it's been a mixed bag, but I can confirm that we are both alive. Hurrah!

Daph was actually an angel for the first two nights, sleeping through from 6.30pm to 6.30am which she has never ever done before without a middle of the night feed. So that got me all cocky and thinking I was nailing it. It also got me shedloads of sleep, which was awesome. But then last night, it all went wrong. I'm blaming the weather. This hideous weather! I love the summer but why in the hell can we not just have 23-24 degrees and sunshine all summer long rather than rain for most of it, punctuated by this insanely humid and stuffy ordeal. It's horrible. We've also seemingly bought the Hottest House in the World. It has no loft (the ceilings are open to the roof, which sounds weird but is kind of cool and quirky - I KNOW I need to do pictures of the damn house, coming soon I promise...). The lack of loft means all the bedrooms basically ARE the loft, and you know how hot lofts get in this kind of weather.

Poor Daph's room is about 32 degrees and there's literally no way of cooling it down. I've looked into leaving frozen bottles of water in there but worried about the humidity from that making it even worse. The window is open, the blackout blinds have been down all day but it's still a mini oven in there. Which means she's been taking forever to go to sleep (she hates not having her sleeping bag on, but obviously she's just in her nappy, and she's also scared of the oscillating fan which sends her elephant mobile batshit crazy) and then last night she woke up at 11.30pm and screamed blue murder until 1am when she fell asleep on me. That was... sweaty.

I don't suppose this is a very interesting tale really - all mothers are probably having the same issues. Compounding the situation though is the fact that she is now teething her first set of molars (they're meant to come through at 14 months Daph, you precocious child!), and has simultaneously decided that Calpol and Nurofen are disgusting and there's absolutely no way thank you very much she will take them: syringe, spoon, hiding it in Petit Filous, sucking it from my finger - NOT GOING TO HAPPEN MAMA.

So yeah. Today was tiring. I marvel as ever at Daph's ability to scream and wonder what on earth my poor neighbours think - if I was them I would have been calling social services last night.

Another side effect of this lovely heatwave are the mosquitos. There are mosquitos in my garden thanks to next door's stupid bloody water feature. Yesterday I actually caught one biting me and now my arm has swollen up to twice its size* - perhaps you're not meant to interrupt them mid-meal. Either way, stupid neighbours, stupid heatwave and stupid water feature. *itches*

But onto more important things! What I really meant to say is that, thanks to pressure from my mum (who I suspect is just desperate to look after Daph) this Sunday I am now going to Edinburgh to see Oli's show! And leaving the baby behind! EEEK.

When Oli first said he was doing the festival we did ruminate over me going up there for a couple of nights too, but I think if I'm honest we were both too lazy to think about the logistics. But the show's been going really well and I've never been to Edinburgh before, which is pretty shameful at my age. And my mum seems very keen to have Daph overnight. And the other day I realised with a bit of a shock that she's one now and I've never left her before - not for a single night. So perhaps it's time to cut the apron strings a little. It's pretty terrifying but the thought of two nights' sleep in a row is unbelievably exciting. It's kind of like going on a mini break! I suspect I will spend the entire time phoning my mum/trying to Facetime/whatsapping her bossy instructions but still. We might even get to have a grown up dinner out. Squeak!

*may be a slight exaggeration

The Fear

Tomorrow, Oli is leaving for Edinburgh, where he'll be staying for just over a week. He's going to be doing a show at the fringe with the wondrous Chad Lelong - a reinterpretation of David Bowie songs - if you're at the festival and fancy popping by, then you can find out all the details here.

But this post isn't really about that (sorry Ol). It's about me (so far, so predictable). You see, it'll be the first time I'll have been left alone with Daph even overnight, let alone for a week. And I have a confession: I am absolutely terrified.

I've known this week was coming up for months - I think Oli agreed to do the festival back in January. But it seemed so far away and I thought as Daph would be one it would be OK. I assumed by now we'd have a really lovely easy routine and rapport going on, and of course it never occurred to me that she would still not be sleeping through the night every night. *bitter laughter*

At present, I know I'm a spoilt cow because Oli is around a lot in the day - he works evenings obviously and so I've always got help with the childcare. I've never had to be a traditional mum, stuck at home all day on my own with a baby. I get to say things like: 'Can you just hold Daph for a sec while I pluck an errant chin hair/straighten my hair/have a twenty-minute toilet break?' I've got used to the lie ins that I get every morning (I think I mentioned in an old post that Oli and I struck a deal - I do all the night feeds, and he gets up with her in the morning so I can catch up on sleep). I usually wake up about 8am. But this week, I'll be doing the night feeds AND getting up at 6am and giving her breakfast and then looking after her all day until she goes to bed. I am afraid. Very afraid. Of the following things specifically:

1. Bathtime. How will I coordinate running the bath/ getting her ready/stopping her from drowning while she's in the bath while I turn around and grab her towel? We have a SYSTEM goddamit: Oli gets her ready for her bath, I give her the bath, he watches her while I get all her towels ready and then I lift her out of the bath and bring her to him to get her into her nightime nappy/pyjamas. Then I read her a story and give her her milk and she goes to bed. It works! It's a process! If one of us is missing, it's no longer a process; it's a health and safety violation.
2. Mealtimes. These are my most hated of all parenting duties, due to Daph's rather fussy nature (read: tendency to scream and squirm and try to climb out of her highchair after one mouthful of food). And I will have to do all of them. Worse still, I will have no one there to distract her/pull funny faces while I try to shove food into her unsuspecting mouth. And how am I meant to prepare the actual food when if you leave her in her playpen for more than about ten minutes she goes batshit crazy?
3. Playtime. I guess I am a terrible mother because... *whispers* ... I find playing with my own child monumentally dull after about twenty minutes. Oli is BRILLIANT at playing with her, and comes up with voices, names and characters for all her animals etc etc. All I have managed so far is voracious quacking as I squeeze her rubber duck in the bath (which barely even registers a response, truth be told, let alone a smile). I feel so ashamed but I just don't know HOW TO PLAY. I love her to death - I think I've got loving her down to a fine art and have mastered the art of cuddling and kissing her and soothing her when she's sad. But more than ten minutes of stacking bricks that she just knocks over in favour of barging towards my handbag/mobile phone/any hard surface on which to bonk her head and I just want to stick her in front of Teletubbies and hide behind my laptop. I try reading to her, but she just yanks the books out of my hand and closes them. Apparently trapping Mummy's fingers in the pages is more fun than watching Mummy point out where Mr Tickle is.
4. Going to the toilet. How. How. How.
5. Having a shower. The only time I'll be able to do this is when she's having her first nap at 9.30am. But on Thursday I have to go to work and my mum is going to babysit. So again, how, WHEN am I meant to have a shower before leaving for the office? At 5.30 before she wakes up? When I've probably been up at 4am anyway. Maybe the answer is NEVER GOING TO BED.

I so wish I was better with children - I've never been very good with them, and much as I adore my amazing little daughter, I find spending long periods time with her now she's older and more aware (and more opinionated) really quite challenging. I know you're not meant to admit that, but I hope I'm not the only mother out there like it. I love the days when Granny comes over and I can sneak off and waste some time doing fun adult things like, y'know, replying to my emails. Or writing blog posts. The most challenging thing by far about being a mother is not having time to get things done. I hate that it takes four days to fold the washing because any spare second is spent firefighting the essential chores like emptying the nappy bin (you don't want to leave that overflowing in August; LESSON LEARNT).

I am not complaining - I mean, it's hardly a hardship to be at home with my child like many mothers up and down the country whose partners work abroad. But I AM scared. I think this week will be an interesting learning experience for me (and Daph, poor mite). I am hoping it'll turn out better than I expect. I've arranged trips out for us every day, to make sure I don't go insane with loneliness. But I'm frightened. I hope that doesn't make me a horrible person. Wish us luck!

One year baby BODY update!

I wasn't sure what to call this post, or indeed, whether to write it at all, but it's been niggling in my head for a week or so I decided to just do it. Please skip if it's not your kind of thing, but for those of you who are curious about how having a baby changes you physically... read on. I love a good overshare, me. I also love reading these kind of posts because pregnancy affects everyone so differently - I find it fascinating.

So, deep breath, here we go...

My weight

Daph was born a year ago and I am kind of perversely proud to say I have not lost all my baby weight yet. Shock horror. I haven't actually weighed myself since we moved because we've lost the bathroom scales somewhere in the melee, but you know how you know your own body... I would give a rough guess that I currently weigh about 9st 9 (on a good, non-period day, first thing in the morning after a wee). I'm 5ft 7 just to put that in context for you. When I got pregnant, I was about 9st 3, but I was actually the lightest I'd been in a while because I'd been on a bit of a fitness kick and had been going to the gym a few times a week for about six months. Earlier that year, I was about 9st 7, and that was probably my base weight for a couple of years.

So yes, I am not back down to 9st 3 (I was nearly 12 stone at my heaviest when pregnant!). I wanted to get back to 9st 7 but I haven't even managed that. I have mixed feelings about this to be honest. I think - if I wanted to - I COULD get back down to that weight relatively easily, by doing a few runs each week. I started running earlier in the year when Daph was younger and weirdly I was less tired (somehow smaller babies are less tiring because despite the night-wakings, they're less demanding during the day and nap a lot). But I gave it up when I started working again, when she was about five months old. Now when I get some time to myself I have to do my freelance work, and exercising has definitely taken a back seat.

Interestingly, when Daph was first born I was desperate to lose ALL the baby weight and really worried about it, but, now I can honestly say I don't care! It's quite liberating. The only part of me that really wants to lose the extra pounds is the part of me that sees myself in jeans, as they're not as flattering as they were, but otherwise I am quite happy floating about in maxi dresses. The extra weight is all across my thighs - the inside of my thighs mostly, and a little bit on my tummy and arms. It's not terrible. And on that note...

My tummy

The good thing about having a long back is that you also have a long tummy. Which means it usually looks pretty flat - there's plenty of space to spread out the fat y'see. I also have a tummy button that goes in a lot which helps it to look flatter (blimey, this is a weird blog post). So my tummy actually looks pretty normal at first glance. I didn't get any stretch marks (thankfully) when I was pregnant and the skin isn't loose. What is different, is the - now excuse me here cos this is also a bit weird - texture of my skin on my stomach. It's kind of squishier than before. I guess, it's because it stretched and it's now fatter, but I think it's actually also cos my abs separated and I am fairly sure they haven't joined back together yet. I think there are exercises I can do to sort this, but I can't really be bothered to be honest. Maybe if we go on a bikini holiday next year I will do something about it. The main thing is that my tummy is pretty much the same as before, just a bit... softer.

My general shape

My mum doesn't believe this, but my hips are definitely wider than before. You know how they stretch a bit when you are pregnant thanks to the ligaments relaxing? I really don't think they go back - fitted trousers and dresses I wore before I got pregnant just don't look quite right now (and no, it's not just the extra weight - I can tell the difference). My waist is also less defined - that whole area is a lot more 'square'. But it's not terrible. I feel a bit more 'mumsy' shaped and dare I say it - middle aged?

Oh and my feet. My feet are still bigger. Not swollen any more but bigger, and most of my pre-pregnancy shoes are now uncomfortable.

My boobs

As you may know, I didn't breastfeed really - just pumped for six weeks then gave up. After I stopped pumping my boobs shrank back pretty quickly to their previous size. They look the same now as before, honestly, but they are pretty small and inoffensive (I fail the pencil test) so maybe that's why. I reckon they're a bit lower than before, but that's probably ageing more than anything else. I don't know if boobs change more if you 'properly' breastfeed, would be interesting if anyone wants to share!?

My hair

This is the weirdest and most annoying thing. A year later - my hair is still not the same. It's still darker (although I noticed my first few greys coming in - AAAAAH!) and even more weirdly, I seem to have developed a strange kink on one side. At first I thought it was the way I was wrapping my hair in a towel, but no, it turns out it's actually gone a bit curly on one side. My hair has always been poker straight, and now if I leave it wet, it goes into a really unattractive wavy mess. Annoying.

My down-belows

Yikes, I can see my mum reading this and thinking I've truly lost my mind. However. I can confirm that all is functioning as before in this respect! No discernible changes AT ALL, despite my second degree tear. Your body is designed to give birth, and seems to make a really decent job of recovering from it. Or maybe I just got lucky. Either way, there's been no leakage (SORRY!) or problems of any other nature... *stops talking before everyone I know disowns me*

Baby brain

Has gone! Hurrah. Apart from being eternally knackered, I feel my brain has returned to its previous level of functioning. If anything, I reckon it's better - I'm certainly better at remembering things, multitasking and all that jazz.

What else what else... In general, I look older. A lot older than before. I am pretty sure this is all down to lack of sleep however, and not the baby per se. Oh and y'know I'm 35 now so it was to be expected.

So there you have it. My most navel-gazing post to date. Literal navel-gazing. I can see loads of you rolling your eyes and sneering at the sheer self-absorbedness of it. I may be full of regret at publishing this. But I think the point was really to say that yes, my body is different from before and no, I don't actually care. I know all that gubbins about seeing your body differently after you've given birth sounds annoying but it's SO true. It does put stuff into perspective. It does make you respect it more. It doesn't stop you wanting to eat ice cream and sugar all day to cope with your three hours of sleep. But one look at the little person you made, and their PERFECT BOXFRESH skin and PERFECT SOFT hair and it's a sacrifice that feels both completely natural and well worth making.

One year baby update!

Daphne is one! Well, she will be in 45 minutes time - right now a year ago I think I was in the last stages of proper hideous pushing - the bit when you feel like you are ripping yourself in half but you really, really don't care. Anything to get them out. All a distant memory now thankfully. In fact, I said early on that I'd go through labour again twice over rather than have to endure the agonising six weeks of 'breastfeeding' that I attempted. Labour was incredibly painful and exhausting but it was still the biggest natural high I have ever had - much like how I imagine people who climb Everest feel. It is amazing what your body can do if you, er, make it.

But enough about me. Daphne is one and what a month it's been! We've moved house, and thankfully she seems to love the new place just as much as the old place. She settled in straight away - in fact my biggest worry was her freaking out about being somewhere new but she seemed to love her new bedroom from the very first night. I think a lot of this has to do with the Flensted elephant mobile* she has hanging over her cot - she absolutely LOVES it, and as soon as I put her in her cot in the new room and she looked up and saw the elephants there, she smiled and rolled onto her side and went to sleep. The only problem with this 'sleep prop' of course is that it's not very portable, so we've undoubtedly made a rod for our own backs there, but it was a godsend in keeping some sense of consistency for her when we first moved in.

The biggest change in the last month however, is that she is now crawling! She started to crawl at exactly 11 and a half months. It was amazing - just totally out of the blue one morning she just 'got it' and now she happily crawls everywhere. She's also started trying to pull herself up but in typical Daph style, hasn't really got the logic down yet and instead tries to push off by sticking her bum in the air and straightening her legs while in a crawl position - a kind of downward dog type affair. It doesn't get her anywhere of course and she just gets frustrated. She sort of tries to climb up on furniture but not really, she can get onto her knees but then she loses interest. I'm not so worried about any of this anymore - I know she's a little 'behind' what all the books say but she's definitely progressing in her own way and I have no doubt she'll get there in the end. The crawling is ace though - she's so pleased with herself as she comes scuttling towards you. It's a nightmare, of course, logistically - we were very used to being able to leave her in one position while we did something but now of course that's impossible. Thank god we have a bigger house now - at the moment she uses the (pretty much empty) dining room as her main exercise track and has all her toys out on the floor.

What else is new? She's finally started sleeping in a bit later - now she wakes up at 6.20 ish, which is much more bearable. However, she has still, never, ever, NOT ONCE IN HER WHOLE LITTLE LIFE, slept through from bedtime at 6.30pm to 6am without waking up at least once for a drink/cuddle. I have tried SO hard to wean her off the milk (I know she doesn't need it at night at this age) but nothing bloody works. I've diluted it so that it's just 90% water, given her just water, given her less milk... doesn't make any difference, she will still wake up at some point the next night and demand to be picked up, reassured by a bottle (it's about 30 seconds of 'drinking' each time!), and put back to bed. Any tips on this gratefully received! She usually goes straight back to sleep so it's not been TOO annoying (and it's usually at a reasonable hour like 11pm so I'm awake anyway), but for the past two nights I fear we have hit a new 'phase'... I think it's maybe a mini regression, but she's woken up later than normal - at around 12.30am - and then stayed awake for an hour and a half each time, crying the second I leave the room. And not just a few whimpers, but proper howls. The heartbreaking ones. So I guess this is more separation anxiety at work - oh joy. Last night I was a bit despairing and even brought her into bed with us (I couldn't get out of her bloody room without taking her too and quite frankly I just wanted to lie down by then) where she decided it was all rather funny and started giggling and jumping about. So she went straight back to her cot. Eventually she kind of wore herself out and went back to sleep, but honestly: WTH! Babies are so badly designed. This sleep nonsense is The Worst.

Another challenging aspect at the moment - food! Daphne takes after me (at least when I was young) and seems to now find eating a boring waste of time that gets in the way of all the exciting things she could be doing like going through mummy's handbag or pulling all the tissues out of a box. The only way to get her to eat at the moment is by distracting her and then shovelling food in her mouth as she concentrates on something else - it's amazing how creative you can get when you need to, and how entertaining you can make the wax bit of a Babybel. We've tried letting her feed herself but all she does is pick things up, turn them over in her hand and throw them on the floor - she hardly ever puts things in her mouth. It's like she has zero interest in food. Unless - and here's the caveat - I'm having a chocolate bourbon with my cup of tea. Then she's suddenly desperate for a bite and a swig from the mug (don't worry, I never let her do either. Promise. Ahem). Oh and she will happily munch on a rice cake in the car or in her buggy. She hates being fed from a spoon but will take things from a fork - again I think this is because she's seen us eating from a fork. Mealtimes are exhausting and take hours.

The best bit about Daph at the moment though, is her understanding. I keep desperately googling what's normal for this age because I find it absolutely mindblowing, as she seems to understand everything. Well, she understands the names of everything. You only have to tell her once and she'll remember what something is called - and now we can ask where blue dog or her phone or her piano or mummy's computer are, and she'll crawl off towards them and then bring them to you or pick them up to 'show' you. She knows what the car is, what houses are, what grass is, where the garden is, where her books are etc etc. She'll also come to you if you ask her to, although she has yet to hand you something you ask her for. I think she must have at least 50 words in her receptive language already. However, she doesn't say any! She speaks a lot in her own funny goobledegook, and often sounds like she's saying 'Daddy' (not to anyone in particular however!) and 'Eeeeeee' which she says if she sees me or the cat. But no proper words, and not a snifter of a 'mama'. Huh. Today, though, I swear she said 'up' after me (I was picking her up and said it as I did so, and she parroted it back. Might have just been a random fluke thing however!).

Most of all, Daphne age one is absolutely the most entertaining and lovely she's been so far - I LOVE this age so much! She's so happy and funny - a real little character. I'm much less worried about her than I was, and if only we could crack this sleep thing, I'd say life as a mum was pretty perfect right now. Happy birthday, my little lovely Chip.

* not a sponsored link, nor did I get it for free!