The truth about health visitors

Only people who have children even know that health visitors are A THING.

Health visitors don't visit. At least, not after your baby is a week old.

No one knows exactly what health visitors are. Senior nurses? Junior nurses? Random people who like babies?

A health visitor's favourite question is 'Are you breastfeeding?' ARE YOU BREASTFEEDING ARE YOU BREASTFEEDING ARE YOU BREASTFEEDING I AM A ROBOT AND HAVE TO ASK YOU EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE HOLDING A BOTTLE

(Ahem. Sorry about that.)

Health visitors have a lot of leaflets.

Health visitors believe that leaflets can solve ALL THINGS.

If they don't have a leaflet for it, health visitors will tell you to go to your GP.

Health visitors always have a trainee with them. Always.

A health visitor's favourite skill is weighing your baby. They are very comfortable doing this, and don't use leaflets when doing it.

Health visitors tell you your babies weight in kg. This will mean nothing to you. TIME FOR THE BREXIT.

Health visitors are the only ones that can navigate successfully around The Red Book. SO MANY PAGES AND FOLD OUT BITS AND CHARTS WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN

If you ask your health visitor to measure your baby, she will tell you that it's not necessary again until she is one. If you ask if they can do it anyway 'seeing as we're here' they will tell you that now the baby has her nappy back on it will skew the measurements. Uh huh.

Everyone sitting in waiting area to see the health visitor is desperately hoping their baby won't be the one that starts screaming.

Baby clinics are heated to approximately 45 degrees. (To make sure the babies don't get cold). Everyone will sweat and the whole place smells of warm baby poo.

You will queue for three hours to see the health visitor for ten minutes.

If you live in London, your health visitor clinic will have friendly posters up in the waiting area saying things like 'This clinic is really busy. Could you possibly try the other one in your district, even though it's three miles away? Kthanksbye'

There will also be posters telling you to LEAVE BUGGIES OUTSIDE. Everyone will ignore them.

Health visitors are probably very nice people. At least they like babies, unlike your GP.

(Disclaimer: this is written from a place of love. Sorry to any health visitors out there!)

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