Mums who write: Nicola Cassidy
I’m always hugely impressed by historical fiction authors (all that research!), and so it’s with great pleasure that I introduce my latest ‘mums who write’ author - Nicola Cassidy. Nicola is the author of two novels, both historical and both inspired by true events. We chat about her writing process, her thoughts on how the publishing industry could do better for women and how she believes that pregnancy can unleash a woman’s creative side…
Where do you live and with who?
I live in small village in the North East of Ireland called Termonfeckin. Yes, there is the word feck in there, much to everyone’s amusement! It’s a beautiful little village on the coast and I feel very lucky to live here. We’re a few miles outside the largest town in Ireland called Drogheda and about an hour from Dublin. I have two children, August is five and Bonnie is turning three in February. I also have a step daughter called Abbie who is 16.
What’s your writing routine like?
I finished my third novel about two months ago and have worked out that my routine is about a year long. The first part is research. As I write historical fiction I have to take a good bit of time to find my story, and learn about the background to what I want to write. I do this through reading lots of non-fiction material, newspapers, archives and watching documentaries and films. I also need to think, and let the ideas come. When I feel ready then I’ll blast through the first draft in about two months and I write everyday when I’m doing that. This is usually for about an hour but can be sometimes more if I’m really into it. I’ll then take small breaks in between edits – I usually do about two major edits after the first draft. At that point then I’m ready to send it off for a beta read maybe or to the publisher if it’s ready to go. The whole process takes less than a year. When I’m not writing the actual novel I usually find myself trying something different – it’s a nice time to be creative in other ways. So far I’ve dabbled in short stories, play writing and spoken word. At the moment I have a few podcast and documentary ideas I’d like to work on. It’s nice to stretch the writing brain and learn about different writing crafts outside of novels. Ideally I’d love to get into scripting drama in the future. As regards writing full time – I would say no I’m not a full time writer in that I don’t earn my living from writing yet. But, I am always working on my writing and in that sense, I treat it as a full time hobby slash occupation!
Where do you write from?
I write anywhere I can! Mostly I prefer the quietness of home and my usual routine is to write for the hour or so when my youngest is napping. I wrote my first novel at night when my first daughter was quite young, at a desk I had put in especially for writing. When my second daughter came along that all went out the window as I was so wrecked by the end of the day, I couldn’t bring myself to write at night! Also my older daughter started sleeping in that room and I found it easier to type away on my laptop in the sanctuary of my bedroom. You have to find what works – take any space you can get when you’re juggling small kids in the house. I write outside too if I get a chance; in pubs, cafes and yes, often at softplay! I was going to Slimming World for a while and when I was deep in the novel I’d get weighed in and then speed off in the car somewhere and pull in and write. The other half thought I was still at the class. Needs must!
On both a creative and a practical level, what impact do you think being a mother has had on your writing?
I think if I didn’t become a mother, I probably wouldn’t have written my novels at all. I might have in the future, as it was always a dream of mine, but certainly I wouldn’t be in the position where I am now, with nearly three novels out in the world and my fourth underway in my mid 30s. I stared writing as an escape during my maternity leave and it became a goal of mine to get a book published. If I didn’t have my children, I’m sure I would be working in a demanding job just like I’d always done previous to that. I put all my energy and creative talents into my career – working long hours, giving 100%. When my children came along I realised that I didn’t want to do that any longer, that I wanted to go part time and give more time to this young family we’d just brought into the world. That bit of breathing space freed me up to pursue other things. And maternity leave, crazy and stressful as it was, also gave me a bit of space to think. I think lots of mothers get very creative post pregnancy – you see lots of women starting businesses or making a change in their life. Children bring such change and chaos anyway – it can give you a whole other perspective on the world – thoughts like – what really makes me happy? Is this what I really want to do? And even – what am I leaving behind for my children?
Do you find it easier to write now you are a mother, or more difficult?
I won’t pretend it’s all roses in the garden. There are some days when I really have to battle to get some writing time or I sit down to write and a charity worker rings the doorbell and wakes up my sleeping child (wrath!). We have a busy household, I’ve recently gone back to work after taking a year and half off and my husband is working while studying for a masters, so we juggle a lot. But, you make the time and even if that’s settling the kids with a movie and sweets, you can usually pull an hour in the day from somewhere. As my husband is a musician and works nights a lot, I do have that post bedtime peace too. My little girl is sweet and says ‘are you going to do your writing now Mammy?’ when she sees me going upstairs. She’s knows it’s a time not to disturb and she accepts it. I like it like this… it’s not really that much to ask, is it?!
What do you think is the hardest thing about being a mother who writes?
I don’t think it’s a whole lot different to someone who isn’t a mother that writes – writing is still hard, no matter what - but probably that spare time that you just have to give to the children that you might have to yourself if you were child free. Also, I’d love to go away on more weekends away to write or research and it’s just not possible with children. It really irks me that many prizes or grants given in support of writing are in the shape of two weeks at a retreat. This just isn’t possible for most mothers.
How do you think your love of writing has impacted your children?
Well we’re mad into books now and I’m absolutely loving my daughter learning all her letters at school. I can see already she has a love of writing and art and books and I really hope it stays with her. I think they’ll grow up in a house full of books too, with lots of trips to the library and lots of encouragement. I guess we’ll see if they show any interest in writing creatively in the future. I hope so, but I’d never force it on them. They have to want to do if for themselves. Also they get quite excited if they see my book anywhere, which is cute. (I get excited too!)
How does your partner support you in your writing?
My husband is a fantastic support. He is so encouraging, has always believed in me and has done so many little and big things to help me along the way. Last Christmas my present was a five day stay in Cornwall just to write. Then in January this year I headed off to the States for another five days to research book three. It wouldn’t have been possible if he wasn’t available to take care of the kids and not just that – he believes in what I’m doing, both for me as a person and that what I’m doing is worth it – that it’s not a pipe dream. I think the fact that he’s very creative too and has pursued music helps. Financially too, I couldn’t do it without him. I don’t know how single mums do it and single mums who write? Wow.
Do you think the publishing industry is supportive of writing mums? If not, what could they do better?
The publishing industry tends to be female dominated so I think there’s a huge understanding of what it’s like to be a mum trying to write. I’ve always felt very supported at both the publishers I’ve worked with and they’re always genuinely interested in my family and our welfare. I think where the issues come in are in the supports, grants and aids from a national or Government perspective and then of course there’s the tendency when it comes to media and awards / reviews to laud male writers over female. It is shifting though, but there’s a long way to go. Also, men who refuse to read women. That’s an issue.
What are your top tips for other mothers who’d like to write?
My biggest tip would be to try and make a little routine for yourself. To say – right – this half an hour or hour is for me, I’m doing this, keep out! I had to fight for that at the start, for us it was me saying, no I’m not watching a box set series anymore, I’m going up to write. Then once it becomes the norm, nothing more will be thought of it. I’d also say, go easy on yourself and don’t beat yourself up if you don’t achieve your goals straightway. It can be a long, difficult process. Cake and wine and tea help. And find your tribe. I talk to a lot of writing Mums who help keep me sane and we can share our experiences in a safe place!
Please tell me a little bit about your latest novel.
My latest novel is called The Nanny at Number 43 and it’s a story set in my hometown of Drogheda 1880. A mysterious woman arrives to take charge of a motherless child, while the bodies of two babies are found buried in a suitcase in Dublin. The story was inspired by a true advert I saw placed in my local newspaper at the time looking for a ‘respectable woman to care for a motherless child.’ The suitcase story is also based on truth, while the nanny was inspired by true crime serial killers in lived in England in the 19th century. You can see where my research comes in. I have to give a mention to my third book which is out in Spring 2020 – it’s based on the life of Adele Astaire, who was Fred Astaire’s sister and I’m so excited to bring it out into the world as I haven’t seen a novel yet on her life. She was more famous than he was back in the 1920s and over time has been forgotten. I’m hoping to bring her back!
Quickfire Questions
What’s your favourite…
Novel about motherhood: Ooo…. Are there any?! Ha! Most the ones I read are outside of that! I need the escape! Probably, thinking back on what I’ve read, We Need to Talk About Kevin. It was such a powerful book and certainly one that explored motherhood – especially around issues of responsibility, guilt and love.
Thing about being a mum: I just love holding my kids, wrapping my arms around them in front of the TV and seeing them cuddle into me and feeling safe. It’s the most simple thing but it feels me with joy. They’re still young enough to do this… long may it last!
Thing about being a writer: The actual writing – producing a character, a story or some lines that I can sit back and go – I really like that. I get the most joy from writing material that I myself can be proud of or feel I’ve done well at. It doesn’t always happen, but when it does, I swear, the endorphins release!
Way to relax: I love a nice bottle of wine, massive box of salt and vinegar crisps and good box set with the hubby. I also love cups of tea and chocolate and sitting down in a quiet clean house to watch whatever I like on the TV. That really is bliss.
Nicola Cassidy’s novel The Nanny at Number 43 is published by Poolbeg Press. Her debut novel is December Girl. Follow her on Twitter, Instagram and on Facebook. Her website is www.nicolacassidy.com.
You can order my debut, The Rival, here. Unfollow Me is out now!
What a year of being published has taught me
Last week the paperback of The Rival finally came out – a momentous moment! It’s more than a year since my hardback was released and it’s really lovely to know that the book is properly ‘out there’ now, and hopefully will be picked up by people in shops all over the country.
I felt quite reflective about it all today, looking back over the past year and a bit, and wondering exactly what lessons I’d learnt. So I thought I’d blog about them. Here are some that sprang to mind:
The goalposts constantly move
I think before you’re published you see getting a book deal as an end point, a nirvana, the pinnacle at which all your dreams have come true, and all your worries and anxieties suddenly disappear. Sadly this isn’t the case! Once you get your book deal, what actually happens is all the stress and anxiety you had about whether or not you’ll get published is channelled elsewhere.
“Each achievement you accomplish is swiftly replaced by another goal or aim”
For example, once you get your UK deal, you’ll then start agonising over whether or not you’ll get any translation deals. Then once your book is out, if it sells well, you’ll be wondering whether or not it’ll become a bestseller. Each achievement you accomplish is swiftly replaced by another goal or aim. To combat this, I am trying to teach myself to slow down and savour all the small achievements, rather than focusing on ‘what’s next’.
Negative reviews get easier to deal with
The first time I got a negative review I was really really upset. It felt like someone had personally attacked me in the street, telling me they thought I was an awful person. Books are so personal – especially novels – and hearing someone dismiss work that means so much to you as ‘rubbish’ or ‘boring’ is properly painful. In the beginning, at least. But now, it genuinely doesn’t upset me as much. It took a handful of reviews to get over this but I now find it quite interesting to hear negative responses to my novels, and rather than being devastated I can usually laugh it off. I also will often spend some time thinking about the criticism and whether or not I think it’s fair, and whether or not it’s something I can think about improving in the future.
And on that note…
Book reviewers are awesome
Even if they didn’t like your book! The amount of time and energy they spend supporting books without any financial motivation is pretty saintly, quite frankly. There’s nothing better than a person who loves books and loves to share their love with others, IMHO.
“having produced a piece of writing that you are truly proud of is by far the best part of this job”
The writing is what matters
Being published is such a strange, external experience and it has nothing to do with the process of writing. What I’ve realised this year is that writing is what I love – truly. Not being published. It was amazing to get some money for my work and the external validation is of course heartening, but in truth, the most important thing is that I do genuinely love writing. I mean, I hate it too, because it’s insanely difficult and lonely and unhealthy but having produced a piece of writing that you are truly proud of is by far the best part of this job.
It’s easy to lose the faith
But having said all that about loving writing, it’s a difficult career choice and I still struggle with the dichotomy of loving writing but also loving expensive handbags and not wanting to be poor. Writing as a career is really tough. I am possibly too mercenary and too much of a short-term thinker to put all my eggs in the writing basket. Hence my recent decision to launch as a website designer alongside my writing – which offers the opportunity to be creative while also earning regular cash.
A writer’s life is an unhealthy life
This is something I really need to address. I have written a lot of my novels in bed, and it’s given me backache and made me fat and lethargic. In the new year I want to switch up my routine somehow to ensure that I get out of the house more and just move. I write best when I work intensively – so big word counts in one day, rather than little and often – but this is definitely not good for my health, and it’s something I need to find a remedy to for sure. Any tips on this would be much appreciated!
Your editor has your back
If your editor isn’t one of the best people you know, then you need a new editor. Same goes for your agent. They will champion you to the world and buffer you from all the bad stuff and build you back up when you’re feeling low. I had never realised what a close relationship this would be – unlike any other working relationship I have ever had. It’s the best, and I’m so grateful to my editors (I’m lucky enough to have three now – two in the UK and one in the US!).
“I’m so grateful to all the many interesting and inspiring people I’ve met over the past year”
Writer friends are the best friends
Last but definitely not least – the most important thing I’ve learnt this year is that writer friends are worth their weight in gold. And that most writers are absolutely lovely people – the kindest, most considerate and sensitive souls you could care to meet. I guess they have to be, or they wouldn’t have the required empathy necessary to write. I’m so grateful to all the many interesting and inspiring people I’ve met over the past year and for feeling like I really belong in this community.
Published or unpublished – it doesn’t matter. We’re all in it together, all trying to achieve the same crazy thing – to leave our mark on the world by sifting through our experience of it and presenting our findings in a way that's enlightening, entertaining and memorable. It’s a mission I will always respect in anyone who attempts it.
You can order my debut, The Rival, here. Unfollow Me is out now!
If you are an author and you’d like to hear more about my web design services, please head over to my shiny new website.
Why I am training to become a web designer
A year ago today I had my book launch for The Rival. One of those dream evenings - at Waterstones Covent Garden, no less - when all my friends and loved ones got together and we drank prosecco and ate cake in the shape of my book cover. It’s a night I’ll never forget. A true milestone moment - something I’ll always look back on with huge gratitude.
“some of the best bits by far have been the other authors I’ve met, the community of publishing professionals I’ve worked with and the clarity it has given me on my ‘dream’ career”
It’s true what they say - being published has changed my life. But not necessarily in the way I expected. If I’m honest, I don’t suppose I really knew what to expect. I didn’t really think that far ahead. But with a year’s hindsight, I can see that some of the best bits by far have been the other authors I’ve met, the community of publishing professionals I’ve worked with and the clarity it has given me on my ‘dream’ career.
I love writing. I should say here very strongly that I have no intention of giving it up!! I’m currently working on my edits for book 3 and already have two other book ideas sketched out. But it has its challenges. It’s lonely and unreliable and stressful. So much about publishing is out of your hands - not least whether or not your book will actually sell more than ten copies.
I have sold more than ten copies, but even so, I am a control freak and for my own self esteem I know I need to feel in control of at least some element of my career. I’ve had a ‘portfolio’ career for a while now - with a mix of revenue streams - and it really suits my personality. I like the variety, and I find it gives me a sense of security that I need as a freelancer (I’m a Capricorn, what can I say?). I also know that the life of a full-time writer is not for me. It’s too solitary, too unstable, too introspective.
Daphne starts school next week (that’s another post in itself!). In my head this was always the deadline by which point I wanted to have decided on a new ‘career’ - something that would have longevity, that I could do alongside writing. I didn’t know what that would be, I only knew that I didn’t want to go back to journalism or content marketing. If my book had been a global bestseller and I’d sold the film rights and money was no longer a concern, I probably would have started doing some volunteer work just to make sure I didn’t go completely mad. But although I’m grateful to have earned a really nice income from writing over the past two years, it is certainly not yet enough to live off. I have to combine it with something else. And finally I have found that ‘something’.
“I’ve had a blog since the long lost days of Livejournal and one of my favourite things to do was to redesign it”
I have always loved fiddling with website designs. I’ve had a blog since the long lost days of Livejournal and one of my favourite things to do was to redesign it, change templates, add clever little bits of code and functionality. I probably enjoyed that more than the actual blogging, if I’m honest. I know, this is quite weird. Most people hate this stuff. But I find it really satisfying (and frustrating too - but ultimately satisfying!) and over the years I have found myself designing websites for a few friends. It became a bit of a hobby really. When I had my PR business, we paid a web design agency to build us a site but then about a year in I decided I didn’t like it and I rebuilt the entire website myself.
As a journalist I was quite an early adopter of all-things digital and was one of the first to move across to working online from magazines. I knew all about SEO way back in 2004, and I’ve worked online ever since, whether that’s doing content marketing for clients, or social media or digital PR. I find the internet endlessly fascinating.
But I’ll be honest - I never thought I could be a web designer. I don’t have a design background. I’m very much a words person. I only have very basic coding knowledge, and it’s all self-taught.
But times have changed. Website design platforms have evolved.
Last year, I switched my entire blog and website over from Wordpress to Squarespace, an online web design platform that allows you to build pretty much any kind of website without any knowledge of coding. And then a whole new world opened up to me: a world of Squarespace web designers, who only build websites using this platform. I won’t bore you to death with the reasons that I left Wordpress after using it and defending it vigorously for years, but suffice to say that I now love Squarespace. I started researching, and I realised that so many freelancers were making a living offering Squarespace web design services. And I thought: why couldn’t that be me too?
Imposter syndrome tried to put me off, but thankfully I’ve managed to silence it! I’m currently doing an intensive course to make sure I’m up to speed with everything that Squarespace offers, and to nail down the fundamentals of what makes a good website. And I intend to officially launch my new business - Charlotte Duckworth Studio - in January.
To begin with, I want to focus on building affordable websites for authors. Many web designers will charge around £3000 to build a simple website, which is understandably out of reach for most writers. It feels like there’s a real gap in the market for this service - affordable, simple but beautiful websites for authors. In fact, I know there’s a gap, because as soon as I started talking about it with my author peers, the response was a resounding ‘yes, please offer this service, I need it!’.
“So many authors hate tech, and yet having your own website really is becoming more crucial”
Better still, as an author myself, I know exactly what you do and don’t need on your website. So many authors hate tech, and yet having your own website really is becoming more crucial - not least so that you can build your mailing list. With time, I’d also like to offer an even more affordable online course option, to teach authors how to use Squarespace to build their own website. I’d also like to offer website audits, and short but sweet courses on content marketing for authors and building your mailing list - but that will be further down the line!
I can’t tell you how excited I am to get started. I started my training earlier this week and am already absolutely loving it. Better still, I already have two customers signed up, and I haven’t even launched yet.
“It’s exciting to be starting something new, and also absolutely terrifying. Much like writing!”
It’s funny - I really feel like this career option would not have occurred to me if it hadn’t been for my book deal, and for all the authors I’ve met since I got published. In that way, I feel more grateful to have a book deal than ever before. To be able to continue to work with one of the loveliest communities I have ever worked with in a slightly different capacity is a serious privilege.
It’s exciting to be starting something new, and also absolutely terrifying. Much like writing!
So, if you are an author and you’d like to hear more - please head over to my shiny new website and sign up to my mailing list. As a thank you, you’ll get 10% off any product or service when I officially launch in January. EEEEK!
You can order my debut, The Rival, here. Unfollow Me is out now!
How I feel after solo parenting for three weeks
I’m going to be honest here, when Oli and I first discussed the possibility of him doing the entire run of the Edinburgh Festival this year (he usually does one or two weeks at most), leaving me alone to look after Daphne (4), I thought I would be Absolutely Fine. He’s done it twice before since she was born – for shorter periods – and although it was hard work, it wasn’t that bad.
I even relished the opportunity of some more one-on-one time with her. We have a slightly unusual set up in that Oli looks after her more than I do (he’s a professional singer so he mostly works in the evenings).
Before he went off to Edinburgh our parenting set up looked like this:
Monday – I work at my part-time job, Daphne does half a day at nursery, then Oli picks her up at lunchtime and they do the supermarket shop together/go to the park
Tuesday – Daphne is at nursery 9-5, Oli and I work from home
Wednesday – I work at my part-time job, Oli looks after Daphne all day while I’m at the office
Thursday – Daphne is at nursery 9-5, Oli and I work from home
Friday – Daphne is at nursery 8-1, I pick her up and usually do something with her in the afternoon while Oli works if necessary
As you can see from this schedule, Oli has done significantly more parenting than me over the past year (we are usually both around at weekends, and if Oli is working, it will be in the evening). It made sense, because his work is much more flexible and irregular, and my part-time job is fixed office hours. Also, Oli is just Much Better at looking after and entertaining Daphne than I am.
But… I used to get so jealous. I really did. Every now and then I’d feel so sad that I wasn’t getting to spend as much time with her, just the two of us. I felt like Oli and she had so many little in-jokes and bonds (their obsessive paper aeroplane habit for one) that I wasn’t involved in. And I really thought, if Oli goes away for a month, then I can just spend more time with her, and maybe we’ll get some of our own girly in-jokes too.
“friends and family were giving me the side-eye and saying ‘oh, nearly a month looking after her on your own though? That’ll be tough’”
I was also aware that this was the last real chance for us to spend some decent time alone together before she started school. Honestly, I was practically forcing Oli to go, even when friends and family were giving me the side-eye and saying ‘oh, nearly a month looking after her on your own though? That’ll be tough’.
Ha. I reached rock bottom (or so I’m hoping) at 5am on Sunday morning after she had been awake for an hour talking about giraffes and, bereft of energy and ideas for getting her back to sleep, burst into tears in front of her.
I’m not a crier. But through my sobs I said something like:
‘I’m… just… so….tired. So tired Daphne. Please. Mummy’s…. I…. just need some space! Can’t you give me some space!!? Please!’
To which she replied:
‘Mummy, stop crying, that’s enough now. That’s enough now Mummy’.
In this imperious voice, which I swear is nothing like mine.
All was well in the end – she came into my bed and thankfully we both went back to sleep until 8.30am. But my god.
Three weeks looking after my daughter alone has nearly finished me off.
First of all, there’s the sleep issue. I keep thinking if she slept better it would be easier, but maybe I’m kidding myself. As it is, she will fall asleep really easily at night (between 6.30 and 7pm), but the price you pay for this is the 5am start. Pretty much most days she will wake around 5am – 5.30am if I’m lucky. Yes, we have tried a Gro clock. Yes she has triple blackout blinds. Yes we’ve done white noise, putting her to bed later, reward charts, giving her a nap, not giving her a nap, everything, everything, everything that people recommend.
I HAVE READ EVERY ARTICLE ABOUT EARLY RISERS EVER WRITTEN.
“She has an answer for everything – and it’s invariably another question.”
None of it makes any difference. For her fourth birthday, we bought her a proper digital clock, and told her that unless the first number she saw was a ‘6’ she was not to get out of bed.
It didn’t work.
Instead the new routine created by this was her shouting out: ‘Mummy, it’s a 5 first, so I’m staying in bed. I think it’s a 5, but actually maybe it’s a 2. Mummy is it a 2? These are funny numbers, they’re not right. Not like the numbers we do in nursery. It’s not a real 5. What is that last number mummy? What does that mean? There’s blinking dots in the middle, are they numbers too mummy? Mummy, mummy, can I get up now? Mummy please? Please come? Please can you come and look at my clock and tell me what time it is?’
Every morning.
You cannot reason with her. She has an answer for everything – and it’s invariably another question.
I have removed the clock.
So instead, I put some toys in her room and told her that she could get up whenever she felt like it and play, so long as she didn’t shout for me. That kind of worked, except that she has the loudest voice on the planet and her version of playing probably wakes the whole street. This morning it was explaining to her Lego figures how giraffes need to be transported to the other side of the Nile in special trucks with trees on – bloody David Attenborough.
Whatever.
I gave up on getting a lie-in on day 3 of solo parenting, and started going to bed at 9pm.
(I should add here that Oli usually gets up with her so I can go back to sleep every morning until a more civilised hour, like 7 bloody thirty).
“Don’t even mention the allotment. No really, don’t. The guilt that I have only managed to make it down there once is killing me”
So, the lack of sleep hasn’t helped. But then there are the chores. Constant chores. There’s so much To Do to keep a small house/family ticking over. Cleaning, washing, shopping, cooking. Watering the flipping garden in the heatwave. Bottom wiping and handwashing. Doing the bins. Tidying away the endless toys. Don’t even mention the allotment. No really, don’t. The guilt that I have only managed to make it down there once is killing me.
All those tomatoes! And blackberries! Wasted!
The first and only visit to the allotment…
I don’t mind doing chores, but how do you do chores when there’s a small, bored person, tugging on your trouser leg every five minutes saying ‘mummy can you play with me now?’ and getting excited if she hears you moving about upstairs after you’ve gone to put laundry away – ‘are you coming down now to play with me mummy? Are you finished with your chores? Can you play with me nooow? Just a leeetttle bit?!’
The guilt! The number of times I’ve said ‘just five more minutes sweetie, mummy’s got to clear this up / have a wee / put some bloody clothes on’.
It’s the guilt that’s the worst thing. I had these grand ideas that we’d be doing Fun Stuff together all the time, when instead all I’ve been doing is batting her away and trying to get her to play on her own, poor thing. A particular lowlight was when I dropped our handheld hoover and the whole thing burst open, sending showers of dust and hair and bits of old food all over me and the newly hovered floor, and she appeared with a slice of plastic pizza and proudly placed it on top of the mound of dust.
‘For you, mummy’.
And I said:
‘For god’s sake Daphne don’t put it there!!! Can’t you see mummy’s covered in [insert-really-bad-swear-word-oh-god-I’m-going-to-hell] dust?!’
And then she stared down at the floor and slinked away and I hated myself and that bloody hoover more than anything I have ever hated in my life.
I know I have it lucky – this is not single parenting. I have moaned at Oli every evening after he’s come off stage (but not much – been too exhausted to remember most of it) and I even managed to go up to Edinburgh for two nights to see him, leaving Daphne with my parents. I know this is nothing, compared to what single parents deal with day-in, day-out. It has been a humbling lesson.
“I have done a lot of apologising over these past three weeks.”
I read somewhere that apologising to your kids is a good idea. It lets them know you’re human, that you’re fallible too. It’s respectful.
I have done a lot of apologising over these past three weeks.
Thankfully, I think she still loves me.
As we lay facing each other on our pillows in bed this morning she whispered ‘I just want you mummy,’ and I tried not to burst into tears again.
Oli’s home tomorrow. Sorry about the allotment babe, but at least I kept our daughter alive?!
You can order my debut, The Rival, here. Unfollow Me is out now!
Mums who write: Lauren North
My latest ‘mums who write’ interview is with Lauren North, author of The Perfect Betrayal, which tells the story of a mum who loses everything after her husband dies. Lauren’s a mum of two and chats about making time to write - even if it’s just for ten minutes - and how motherhood helped her imagination to go to the darkest places…
Where do you live and with who?
I live in the countryside on the Essex and Suffolk borders with my husband, Andy, and our two children. Tommy is nine and Lottie is eight.
“When it’s school holidays, I’m at my desk by 6am and write for two hours”
What’s your writing routine like?
I’m not sure if this counts as a routine, but I try to write whenever I’m not spending time with the kids. We’re lucky to live very close to the school (60 second walk), so in the mornings I’m at my desk with a coffee by 9am. I write for a few hours. Then either exercise or walk the dog. Then I do another few hours writing in the afternoon.
When it’s school holidays, I’m at my desk by 6am and write for two hours. Then we go out for the day and do the normal fun stuff, then I’m back to my desk for another hour or two in the afternoon or evening.
Where do you write from?
I have a small study downstairs where I write most of the time (it used to be a cupboard and I have to share it with the dog. It does have a window though). If I’m struggling to settle then I go to my gym and write in the cafe there. For some reason the distraction of other people often helps me to concentrate.
If it’s a quiet evening then I’ll do another hour while the kids are playing. I always take work with me on the club runs. Ballet and tap is two hours on a Tuesday so I take my laptop. Other times it’s a print out of my current chapter to scribble over in case I find myself with a spare ten minutes.
We go to our local zoo a lot and the kids love playing in the playgrounds there, so I’m often writing on my phone or scribbling in a notebook (or the back of a receipt once).
On both a creative and a practical level, what impact do you think being a mother has had on your writing?
Being a mother gave me the confidence to believe in myself. Motherhood was the first thing I’ve ever felt any good at. I loved having the kids so close together (although that first year with a baby and toddler was hard). I’d tried to get published before I had children, but it was only when they turned 3 and 2 and went to preschool together that I sat down and realised I could write and I would fulfil my dreams.
On a practical level, writing with children in the house means there is often a lot of stop and start, interruptions for snacks and board games and sometimes I’ll find I only write in ten minute bursts, so I’m not precious about what’s going on around me. I can write for any length of time, anywhere.
Creative wise, I have a very dark imagination and think often about the worst that could happen. I love my children beyond words and so I worry constantly about them, which often leads to little seedlings of ideas. A great example of this is when I wondered what if my husband travels away for work and dies and I’m left alone in a secluded house in a village where I know absolutely no one. This became the start of my debut novel.
Do you find it easier to write now you are a mother, or more difficult?
Harder definitely, but this is because it has taken becoming a mother to understand what hard work actually is. It’s taken being a mother to realise that I needed to improve my craft and to work hard to do it.
What do you think is the hardest thing about being a mother who writes?
All the times when I’m right in the middle of a fantastic writing session where the words are flowing, the plot is coming together, and I have stop and be a mum. That’s hard. And the guilt of course for the times I prioritise writing over the kids.
“I think my love of writing has taught them to find their passion in life and go for it with everything they have”
How do you think your love of writing has impacted your children?
Both Tommy and Lottie enjoy reading books and I still love reading books to them before bed every night. My love of books has rubbed off on them, as has my love of writing. Both kids enjoy writing stories too.
I think they are only just grasping this, and I hope it’s something that stays with them when they’re older, but I think my love of writing has taught them to find their passion in life and go for it with everything they have. And that hard work and perseverance do pay off.
“Having a supportive partner is not fundamental because us writers are passionate people who’ll find a way no matter what, but it does help”
How does your partner support you in your writing?
In every way possible. I didn’t go back to work when the kids were old enough. This was a decision my husband fully supported for two reasons. Firstly, we both wanted me to be there for the kids during the holidays and after school, and secondly because he knew my passion was for writing and wanted me to live the dream, which I’m lucky enough now to be doing.
So there’s the financial support that comes with that decision and the fact that I earned nothing for more years than I care to think about.
There’s the emotional and practical support too. When things aren’t going well, Andy is always there with a hug and to listen before giving me practical advice, which I sometimes take and sometimes ignore.
Writing is such a tough job on so many levels, especially when you’re juggling kids as well. Having a supportive partner is not fundamental because us writers are passionate people who’ll find a way no matter what, but it does help.
Do you think the publishing industry is supportive of writing mums?
I can only answer this based on my own experience, and so far yes, to me it has been. My editors and agent have always been incredibly understanding of school holidays and my schedule. I’m always asked to give a good time for a meetings or calls and it feels like every effort is made to fit with my sometimes limited options.
What are your top tips for other mothers who’d like to write?
Carve out some childfree time to write, whether it’s first thing in the morning or last thing at night, and don’t give that time away for anything (washing, housework, etc can wait). This is not so easy when the kids are younger, but if that’s the case, then please don’t beat yourself up or stress about how little writing you’ve done. The children will grow up and you will find that time.
There will be days when you don’t write a single thing, so don’t worry. We all have these days. Writing comes a close second, but the kids do come first.
Try not to be precious about needing a particular time of day or place to write. These moments are few and far between for me, so learning to be flexible has really helped me.
Please tell me a little bit about your latest novel.
The Perfect Betrayal (The Perfect Son in the US) opens with Tess waking in hospital the day after her son Jamie’s 8th birthday, certain of three things:
1. Her husband is dead
2. She’s been stabbed
3. Her son is missing
The Perfect Betrayal is about Tess, a distraught widow, and her son Jamie, and the strange things that happen to them when the beautiful grief counsellor Shelley comes into their lives. It’s a novel about the rawness of grief and how far a mother will go to protect her child.
Quickfire Questions
What’s your favourite…
Novel about motherhood: Ah that’s a hard one. The Other Woman by Sandie Jones springs to mind. Such a clever story.
Thing about being a mum: The joy and laughter my children bring to my day
Thing about being a writer: Seeing how far you can push your characters before they break.
Way to relax: Er . . . what does this word mean? Pass.
The Perfect Betrayal is out now in paperback and ebook.
You can order my debut, The Rival, here. Unfollow Me is out now!
Excuse me while I humblebrag…
‘maybe I’ll just carry this around with me wherever I go?’
Except I’m not actually going to humblebrag. Not here anyway. Instead I’m going to have a (hopefully mini) rant about one of the most difficult parts of being an author – self-promotion.
Readers might not realise it, but publishers do really hope authors will do quite a bit of promotion of their own books. After all, publishers publish so many books throughout the year, and while most of them receive some marketing budget, only a few of them – the ‘big’ books (or ‘lead titles’ as they are called) will get the ‘big’ budget, with lots of promotion, like book tours and extensive proof mailouts and adverts on the underground and fancy launch events, alongside the normal things such as online advertising and social media support.
As the writer, the person who cares the most about your book is you, and this also means you’re the best person to promote it. After all, you know it best. You know who your potential readers are. You know the storyline in and out. You can happily wax lyrical about it for hours.
So it would be a bit crap if you didn’t at least try to give self-promotion a go.
“I feel like I’m standing on a table in a busy room shouting ‘Me me me, everyone look at me!’”
But oh my god is it hard. I’m not sure why – I’ve had a business before and I found it pretty easy to promote that. I was more than happy to shout about it to anyone and everyone. But promoting my books is like pulling teeth. Every time I tweet or instagram about them, I feel like I’m standing on a table in a busy room shouting ‘Me me me, everyone look at me!’ It’s so uncomfortable.
I wonder if it’s because, deep down, I still believe that writing a book is a pretty arrogant thing to do – it’s so personal, and yet it’s assuming that this personal thing is so important and worthwhile that everyone needs to know about it. Everyone needs to read it. It doesn’t help that I grew up in the UK in the 90s when ‘showing off’ was not cool, nor was foisting your opinions about things on any unwitting bystander (I still wish this wasn’t cool. While I understand the motivation behind them, the endless political rants on Twitter don’t half bring me down). And sometimes that’s what it feels like, promoting your novel. After all, when you write a novel you’re trying to convey a theme or deeper message – something that resonates with you and bugs you enough to make you wonder about it at night – but who’s to say that that ‘thing’ is as important to others as it is to you?
How very dare you!?
These are the voices in my head that I battle with whenever I tweet about my books, or share a nice review. Having talked to other writer friends about this, I know that many of them feel the same awkwardness when they have to talk about their books too.
But there are also other authors who are unashamed in their self-promotion, who go ‘all out’ to sing their own praises. And I have to confess that I look upon these people with a strange combination of admiration and horror.
“Do I just need to get over my Gen Y upbringing and get on board with the self-love? ”
Where is the line drawn between self-promotion and bragging? Is bragging even a thing anymore? Do I just need to get over my Gen Y upbringing and get on board with the self-love?
Is there a ‘good’ way to do it? If you caveat it (which I often do) with some kind of disclaimer - ‘I know I’m showing off here but this review made my day’ - does that make it better? Does self-awareness cancel out the negative side of bragging?
“Do readers mind unabashed confidence in novelists?”
It’s just I’m conditioned, when I see people telling the world how great they are, to wrinkle my nose in disapproval, and then I wonder if I’m the only one. Do readers mind unabashed confidence in novelists? Maybe, like enthusiasm about anything, it’s infectious – maybe the self-belief rubs off and the readers then also feel convinced of your greatness. Or do readers see tweets like that and think, huh, get over yourself love, I’ll be the judge of how good your book is!
Either way, I suppose it gets you noticed. Which is the main aim after all. To stand above the crowd.
Another thing that interests me is whether or not this is just a British thing. I don’t know. I remember the fascinating interview with the American author Jessica Knoll on The Cut about her income. Again, my cognitive dissonance was off the charts. I massively admired her for her confidence, while also finding it a bit distasteful. The reactions to that interview were fascinating.
What do you think? I’m genuinely so interested in whether people mind authors ‘showing off’ (I know it’s not showing off really, but that’s how it FEELS to me)? Or do they like it?
A few years ago there was a hashtag on Twitter that was pretty popular - #humblebrag. I was pretty fond of that one. It allowed me to ‘show off’ whilst also acknowledging that I knew I was showing off and that it made me uncomfortable to do so - neatly incorporating an invisible plea not to be judged too harshly for it. I haven’t seen it much lately – perhaps I should try to bring it back?!
You can order my debut, The Rival, here. Unfollow Me is out now!
Have a nose around my home office
Hello! Long time no blog. I am sorry, I have been embroiled in a complicated edit of book 3 and I tend to get very engrossed in one thing and find it hard then to do anything else. But I’m back now, and I thought it might be nice to give you a little virtual tour of my home office. If you follow me on Instagram you might know that it’s really different from the rest of our house.
“We had both lived in Victorian/Edwardian properties before this and while they’re very charming with their period features etc, we both really really love the spaciousness you get in midcentury homes”
We live in a 1970s house (I have blogged about it a bit here) and everything is very light, bright and spacious. Lots of glazing (far too much in some respects - especially when it’s warm, it’s like living in a greenhouse!) and just generally a lovely and airy feel. We had both lived in Victorian/Edwardian properties before this and while they’re very charming with their period features etc, we both really really love the spaciousness you get in midcentury homes. A proper hallway, rather than a narrow corridor dominated by a staircase. Big, square or rectangular rooms that make fitting in furniture easy. Huge windows that make the most of the views. There are lots of benefits.
But as usual I digress. The point is that when we moved in we really wanted to increase the sense of light and space further, so after we had our extension done last year we painted the entire downstairs white, and purposefully chose neutral furniture with lots of light wood and plywood - it’s very Scandi throughout I guess (although we do have some cool wallpapers in the bedrooms).
However, the one room in the house that doesn’t really fit with our ‘theme’ is my office. And that’s probably a result of us keeping artwork and accessories to a minimum downstairs. I am not hugely sentimental, but when it came to putting up finishing touches downstairs I had quite a few pieces that I was really upset we couldn’t find homes for. And so I decided to embrace it, and put them all in this little room. And so my home office is the one room in our house that’s, well, cluttered. I’d prefer to say homely, but cluttered is probably more accurate.
So here it is: my little room that looks nothing like the rest of the house. It’s the smallest bedroom upstairs, and it’s at the front of the house and overlooks a load of hedging and mature trees. We’re lucky that we live down a cul de sac which only has houses on one side - opposite us used to be a running track, which has been sold for development, but we should (if the planners keep their word) still have our natural screening of mature trees and hedging to separate us from the new houses (which will be in a different road). Bit hard to explain but hopefully it makes sense!
[Gross sidenote: the downside of living in an ultra quiet cul de sac quite near a station is that taxi drivers quite often come down here to relieve themselves in the bushes opposite. It’s LOVELY. They never realise I can see them out of my office window. One day I might shout out the window at one and give him a heart attack.]
Anyway, it’s a small room - you could squeeze a double bed in if you had to but it wouldn’t be very comfortable. But it’s plenty big enough for an office.
“I’m usually not a huge fan of gallery walls, but I think it works quite well and really does make me feel cocooned and cosy surrounded by the things I love”
As you can see, on the walls I’ve basically ‘gone with it’ and decided to hang every picture that ever meant anything to me, so it’s a bit of a mish mash. I’m usually not a huge fan of gallery walls, but I think it works quite well and really does make me feel cocooned and cosy surrounded by the things I love. There’s photos of me and my sister, pictures taken by my sister (a very talented photographer), a photo of my insane father flying the aeroplane he built in his garage, plus the large Clare Cutts screen print that I bought on my 30th birthday. It’s a mish-mash, but I like it.
Furniture wise, there are two really precious things to me: my desk which is from Heal’s and by Sebastian Cox, and the little bureau that was my grandparents. The desk was a real extravagance but one which I have never regretted - it’s a pleasure to work at. The bureau reminds me of my childhood, because my Nanny used to keep all the family photos in the bottom cupboard and inevitably when we stayed with her I’d ask to dig them out and we’d go through them all together. It’s actually a really useful cupboard - we keep all our stationery bits in the flap-down section, printer paper and envelopes in the drawers and then the bottom cupboard houses all my paperwork. On top of the bureau is a vintage typewriter that Oli bought me for Christmas a few years after we got together. It works and I love it!
The oak stacking shelves are vintage Heal’s and were Oli’s - we have two more of them downstairs in our kitchen which house our cookery books. Then there’s of course my dolls house (which I’ve blogged about at length), which sits on top of my childhood toybox. It’s empty (there’s no moving that dolls house easily) and needs repainting but it’s another thing I can’t bear to part with - under the lid it has my sister’s and my childhood graffiti.
The daybed is from Ikea. It’s ridiculously comfy and it’s where I do most of my writing and editing. I love the soft pink colour and I usually have my Melin Tregwynt blanket over my legs while I work.
On the walls by my desk I have my vision board (I could probably blog more about this but being a Brit I’m still a bit embarrassed that I have one) and a set of String shelving with family photos on. We’re not hugely big on having family pics everywhere - we have one collage frame in the kitchen, and then a few of Daphne as a baby scattered about but no big canvases or anything like that. And barely any of us as a couple! So unromantic, ha.
The windowsill is home to all the plants that Oli won’t let me have in the rest of the house - mostly little ones. Plus my Lucie Kaas mini sparrow (I have a bigger one downstairs) and a radio I hardly ever turn on (I can only really work in silence).
And that’s about it! This room has such a different feel from the rest of the house. It’s not purposefully styled, everything that’s in here is in here because I love it, not because it necessarily looks ‘right’ with the other pieces. It’s a bit ramshackle and incohesive but somehow I find coming in here really comforting. Even though I love the bright contemporary simplicity of the rooms downstairs, this room is a cosy haven, and feels very ‘me’. My own little sanctuary, and I’m very lucky to have it.
Desk - Sebastian Cox from Heal’s. Shelves - vintage Heal’s. Pendant light - Tom Raffield. Daybed - Ikea. Chair - Setu by Herman Miller, John Lewis. String Pocket Shelving in Ash and White, Utility Design. Blanket - Melin Tregwynt. Clock - Wild and Wolf from Amara.
You can order my debut, The Rival, here. Unfollow Me is out now!
Mums who write: Ruth Heald
Next up in my ‘mums who write’ series is a chat with a debut author whose book I’ve have heard lots about already! The Mother’s Mistake is a gripping tale of postpartum fears and challenges, and has been racing up the Kindle charts ever since it was released earlier this week. Read on to find out how Ruth combines writing with motherhood - and, even more impressively, with severe pregnancy sickness…
Where do you live and with who? How many children do you have and how old are they?
I live in West London with my husband and two children, a daughter aged 3 and a son aged 8 months.
What’s your writing routine like?
I don’t really have a writing routine! I take opportunities to write whenever I can. My daughter goes to a playgroup for a few hours each weekday so I’m only responsible for my baby in the mornings. I try to get some writing done when he naps or if he is happy to play on his playmat for a bit. This means that some days I get an hour or so done and other days I get nothing done. I also do a bit late evenings after the children are in bed and at weekends. But there’s no consistent pattern.
“If an idea strikes me, I’ll jot it down on my phone wherever I am; on the tube, waiting for the bus, in queues at the supermarket…”
Where do you write from?
In the week, when I don’t know how much time I’ll have (i.e. how long my son’s nap will last) I tend to write from home. At the weekend, if someone else is looking after the children then I write in cafés because if I’m in the house the untouched housework makes me feel too guilty to ignore!
If an idea strikes me, I’ll jot it down on my phone wherever I am; on the tube, waiting for the bus, in queues at the supermarket…
“I started writing psychological thrillers when I first became a mother, and I think that first year after childbirth can be a particularly vulnerable time for women”
On both a creative and a practical level, what impact do you think being a mother has had on your writing?
On a creative level I’ve found lots of my recent ideas centre around new mothers. I started writing psychological thrillers when I first became a mother, and I think that first year after childbirth can be a particularly vulnerable time for women. My first psychological thriller, The Mother’s Mistake, is about a new mother who isn’t sure whether she’s going crazy or if someone is set on hurting her child. As a sleep-deprived new mother myself, the protagonist came easily to me! My second psychological thriller, out in September, also features a vulnerable new mother.
On a practical level, being a mother has made me far more efficient with my writing time. If my son falls asleep eight minutes before my daughter needs collecting from playgroup, I don’t faff about, I open up my laptop immediately and type as fast as I can!
Do you find it easier to write now you are a mother, or more difficult?
In some ways it’s easier, because I’m forced to make use of every second of time I have. I’m also more experienced now, so I’m more confident about plotting and more likely to stick to the plot I’ve laid out. But having less time definitely ups the pressure.
What do you think is the hardest thing about being a mother who writes?
It’s hard to get a sensible balance when you work in the home. Like most (all?) working mothers, I often feel guilty that I’m either neglecting my children or my work. I think working in the home complicates that further, because often I’m trying to work and look after the children at the same time. The boundaries aren’t as clearly delineated as they were when I was working in an office.
How do you think your love of writing has impacted your children?
At the moment my children are a bit too young to understand, but I hope that as they get older my children will see me doing work I enjoy and feel that that will be a possibility for them too, whether it’s writing or other work that they feel passionate about.
“My husband took paternity leave to look after my daughter which enabled me to work on my first psychological thriller”
How does your partner support you in your writing?
My husband took paternity leave to look after my daughter which enabled me to work on my first psychological thriller. He also does more than his fair share of the housework and takes the children to the park at weekends to give me a bit of time to write.
Do you think the publishing industry is supportive of writing mums?
I submitted my book to my publisher, Bookouture, just before I got pregnant with my second baby and became very ill with hyperemesis gravidarum. Bookouture was incredibly supportive and pushed my deadlines back significantly to accommodate me. Despite this, I get the impression that maternity leave is not really “a thing” for authors and most work when their children are babies.
What are your top tips for other mothers who’d like to write?
1. Write what you like to read – you’ll enjoy it more and it’ll be easier.
2. Try and find a bit of time to write each day even if it’s only five minutes to scribble down a couple of paragraphs.
3. Don’t put yourself under too much pressure; some days the words will come out perfectly, sometimes they’ll be rubbish. You can always edit later.
Please tell me a little bit about your latest novel.
The Mother’s Mistake is a psychological thriller about a mother’s worst nightmare. Claire Hughes and her young family move to the countryside in the hope of a fresh start, but it isn’t long before Claire’s past catches up with her and her daughter’s life is in danger.
This is the blurb for the book:
Everyone makes mistakes. But does everyone deserve to be forgiven?
She runs past the tinkling of children’s laughter that fills the park. Heart hammering, she reaches the riverbank, breath catching in her throat as her eyes take in the small body, tangled in the reeds, pale and lifeless.
Three years later.
Claire’s life is picture perfect. A new home in the countryside. A new-born baby. A doting husband by her side.
But behind closed doors, her life is falling apart.
And when a threatening note is posted through her letterbox, saying she doesn’t deserve her daughter, it’s clear that someone knows about her past…
Someone knows that Claire doesn’t deserve her perfect life. Someone’s going to do everything in their power to destroy it.
Quickfire Questions
What’s your favourite…
Novel about motherhood: It’s not specifically about motherhood, but I love the way motherhood is portrayed in The Group by Mary McCarthy. It was published in 1963 and when I read it I was surprised by how relevant it was today.
Thing about being a mum: My children’s endless curiosity about the world around them and the joy they find in the little things that adults take for granted. It makes me see the world through fresh eyes.
Thing about being a writer: The freedom to explore ideas and let the creativity flow.
Way to relax: Writing (!)
The Mother’s Mistake is out on now in ebook. You can find out more about Ruth on her website, and follow her on Twitter and Facebook.
You can order my debut, The Rival, here. Unfollow Me is out now!
My complicated relationship with influencers
My novel about Instagram mums and vloggers, Unfollow Me, is released in ebook in the UK tomorrow! I’m very excited – and equal parts terrified – so I thought I would mark the occasion by talking a little bit about what inspired me to write it.
This book was an absolute gift to write, and I’m fairly sure that I won’t get quite so lucky again (by contrast, book 3 is slowly but steadily eroding my desire to live). The idea for Unfollow Me dropped fully formed into my brain one day, and changed very little as I wrote it. It all stemmed from a question – what would you do if the influencer you follow, who shares her life with you online every day, suddenly disappeared? And deleted all her social media accounts?
“I didn’t know these women or their families, but as they shared so much with me, I became quite invested in them”
But it goes a little bit further back than that. When my daughter was born, I obsessively followed lots of family vloggers – both on YouTube and Instagram. There was something addictive about watching other parents doing their parenting in what felt like real-time. It was the ultimate voyeurism, I got to see exactly what sort of clothes their babies were wearing, what nappies, what food they were eating, what books they were reading and toys they were playing with… I was heavily ‘influenced’ by these parents’ choices on things like cots and buggies and general baby paraphernalia. I didn’t know these women or their families, but as they shared so much with me, I became quite invested in them. I remember when one of them said she was in labour, I was desperately checking Twitter and Instagram waiting for the birth announcement – and to find out what gender the baby would be. She felt like my friend. Someone I genuinely cared about.
But she didn’t have a clue I existed.
On that note, the title of this post is a massive misnomer, isn’t it? Because a real relationship is a two-way thing, and this was very firmly not a two-way thing in the same way a normal relationship is. This woman didn’t care about me, not in any meaningful sense. I was just a ‘fan’. One of the many faceless fans.
“Of course it’s lovely to wish strangers well, but investing emotional energy in someone who you most likely will never meet seems like a strange way to behave. ”
It was a realisation that kind of embarrassed me. I wasn’t angry about it, I just felt a bit stupid. Of course it’s lovely to wish strangers well, but investing emotional energy in someone who you most likely will never meet seems like a strange way to behave.
It did fascinate me though. I remember years ago someone saying that social media has legitimised stalking, and that’s exactly what it’s done. But with influencers who monetise their platforms it’s a strange symbiotic relationship, in that the person you are stalking wants you to stalk them (to some degree) because that’s how they make money. But where are the lines drawn? What if they one day they don’t want you to watch after all? Do you have a ‘right’ to their life? Especially as, by watching them, you have paid for much of it?
Of course it’s similar in many ways to mainstream celebrity, except that it’s also very different. Because normal celebrities are worshipped for their talents in music, acting, writing, whatever. That’s how they make their money. And vloggers don’t have to be good at anything in particular. They just have to be friendly, charismatic and believe that what they have to say about, well, life and stuff, is important enough to be of interest.
This probably sounds like I’m very negative about influencers. I’m not. (The journalistic side of me, of course, hates them for being smart enough to identify a huge new opportunity and making a million times more money than we journalists ever did as we stuck to our prehistoric guns and sniffed self-righteously that ‘the blogging thing will never last’). But I also see that it takes courage to put yourself out there (in the same way that it does writing novels). I can also appreciate massively the downsides with regard to your children – you’re effectively sharing their most personal, character-forming experiences with a whole load of strangers, without their permission. It’s a tough call. Part of me thinks that the notion of privacy has been so massively obliterated by the social media age that it’s foolish to imagine that you have much of it left, and that children will grow up so used to constantly being photographed that it won’t affect them in the same way as it might affect us. Human beings evolve to cope with cultural shifts. If we didn’t, we wouldn’t survive.
But part of me also thinks god, we should be protecting our children. The world is scary and big enough, let’s not hold them up to constant scrutiny from unnamed strangers too. Let’s not orchestrate every private family moment so that it becomes shareable and has monetary value. Even if the children involved don’t know what’s going on, even if they’re not old enough to understand. There’s a social media hashtag ‘#letthembelittle’ – the irony is overwhelming. Let them be little indeed! Leave them alone! Don’t make them pose and posture! Don’t upload a film of them crying at their third birthday party because they didn’t get the unicorn cake they wanted, even if it is ‘cute’!
I say this, but as a massive hypocrite. Because I am also very guilty of oversharing much of my daughter’s life. I blogged throughout my pregnancy, and then did monthly baby updates until Daphne turned about 18 months. Those posts are still live on this blog today, and get tons of hits - and I still get emails from random people who’ve read them asking me for advice on things like colic, which she suffered with. I really, really enjoyed writing those posts - it was such a strange time in my life and it was actually lovely to be sharing my experiences. If I had had the chance to monetise them more, and if I had no other viable career path (and if I’d been a bit more photogenic - ha!), I might easily have ended up becoming a mummy influencer myself.
“As their audience grows, so does their wealth – it’s a self-fulfilling cycle”
In the novel, I also wanted to focus on the other inevitable part of the strange partnership between influencer and influencee – the jealousy. After all, many of these influencers are earning an absolute fortune through their online presence these days, and thus their lives – which once might have seemed not too dissimilar to those of their viewers – are spiralling further and further away from that of Ms Joanna Bloggs. Some of the most successful influencers are the ones with huge houses and dozens of designer handbags, and it seems that people do enjoy watching those the most. As their audience grows, so does their wealth – it’s a self-fulfilling cycle. Which also fascinates me. Do people secretly enjoy being jealous? Do they find it inspiring? Motivating?
“recently I have noticed that I’ve started to feel a bit inadequate, and pissed off with my own lot (and my own lot isn’t exactly bad)”
I think for me, I found watching them all of those things. As well as completely fascinating. I stopped watching the Youtube vloggers as my daughter grew (not least because of the time commitment – many of them upload 15 minute videos every day, and I could never keep up!), but I still follow a lot of them on Instagram and recently I have noticed that I’ve started to feel a bit inadequate, and pissed off with my own lot (and my own lot isn’t exactly bad). And that’s when I realised again that it’s not healthy, to be investing so much time and energy – and comparing yourself non-stop – to people who are not showing all the bad stuff. Or even if they are showing the bad stuff, it’s totally filtered and manipulated for the audience.
Anyway, it was my hugely ambivalent feeling towards these brave women and their families that lead me to write Unfollow Me. Most of all, I wanted to write it from the perspective of the people following these women, to document their highs and lows as they try desperately to hunt down their idol. In some ways it was also a way for me to explore my own messy feelings towards influencers – and particularly mummy influencers, who are basically trying to create a career that allows them to be at home with their children as much as possible, which is something I genuinely really, really respect. I also really believe in making the most of opportunities, and if this is the best way for some people to make a living, then my God, they should go for it.
Like I said, I’m conflicted!
So Unfollow Me is told from the perspective of the fans (and the trolls) – two in particular, as they go to somewhat shocking lengths to discover just what has happened to their supermum Violet Young.
I loved writing this book. It’s something I have a genuine interest in – it’s something that feels very ‘of our time’ and I hope this comes across in the reading of it.
Unfollow Me is out tomorrow in ebook for the bargain price of £1.99. It would make my day if you bought it. And I’d love to hear your thoughts on this increasingly bewildering new world too.
Mums who write: Melanie Golding
I’m very excited to be featuring a debut author in my ‘mums who write’ series this month! Melanie Golding’s novel Little Darlings was released on May 2nd, and there’s been a real buzz around it, both here and in America, with the film rights already optioned. It’s a haunting, addictive tale of new motherhood gone wrong (is it any wonder it appeals to me so much?!). Melanie is also a mum of two - and spent her career up until recently working with children, so I was really interested to hear how she has found juggling the bizarre career of author with the all-consuming challenge of being a mum…
Where do you live and with who?
I live in Gloucestershire with my husband and two kids aged 7 and 9.
What’s your writing routine like?
I write full time, and work part time as a musician with an early years story and music group. The full-time writing is only a recent thing, since September 2018: for 9 years I was a full-time childcare provider from my home, together with my husband.
Where do you write from?
When writing my first book I would often just go out to the car and sit in the passenger seat with my laptop to get away from everyone. Nap time was ‘head down for quick burst of writing time’. Also, for a couple of years I would get up before the baby at 5am (I know, they slept late!) and write for an hour or so.
These days I do have an actual desk, but I’m afraid it’s covered in piles of books, paper, bills etc. I usually write at the kitchen table, but right now I’m at my son’s desk, because that’s where I found my laptop, along with a spare half hour.
“When I got pregnant I suddenly realised I didn’t have, and likely wouldn’t ever again have time for leisurely dreaming any more. It was a real motivator”
On both a creative and a practical level, what impact do you think being a mother has had on your writing?
Before I had children, I used to wait for inspiration; I only wrote when I felt like it. I had all the time in the world. When I got pregnant I suddenly realised I didn’t have, and likely wouldn’t ever again have time for leisurely dreaming any more. It was a real motivator. Towards the end of both pregnancies I wrote in a kind of frenzy, because ‘my time’ was nearly up. I don’t think I would have finished my first full length MS if I hadn’t had a baby. Or I would, but it would have taken ten years. That saying ‘if you want something doing, give it to a busy person’ applied directly to me. I gave myself the task of writing a novel at exactly the time in my life when I had the least time to spare.
Do you find it easier to write now you are a mother, or more difficult?
Both. I write for a living now, so there is no longer a lack of motivation or a fear that it won’t be read. In fact, there is a pressure to get the words out and deliver the product. This is both surprising and interesting to me. I am now part of an industry, which I didn’t fully anticipate when creating work as an unpublished writer. But as a mother, my children need me to pay them attention, for hours at a time, during which no writing or thinkwork can be achieved. This makes the process of creating a novel artificially disjointed, and throws up extra challenges when returning to the world of the novel. You have to stitch it together so the seams don’t show. It’s possible that the work suffers, but it’s also true that if one can’t tear oneself fully away from the work, that the children do too.
What do you think is the hardest thing about being a mother who writes?
Time constraints. Now that I have the knack of working anywhere, I feel the need more and more to become deeply immersed. Every day it seems I finally sink fully into it only to be forced out by the kids coming home, needing me to cook the dinner, all of that. Evenings are a washout; there’s no brain energy left.
“Most ‘normal’ jobs take away your family time. I’m lucky that I can afford to be at home when my kids come home from school most days”
How do you think your love of writing has impacted your children?
My son said to me ‘we hardly see you now that you’re an author.’ I felt this was unfair, but it illustrates that all things are relative, and he can only judge by his own experience. I think I’d been to London a couple of times that week, but generally, I’m always here. If I was still teaching full-time, or if I had a nine-to-five with a commute, I wouldn’t have any time with my own children during term time at all apart from the weekends. Most ‘normal’ jobs take away your family time. I’m lucky that I can afford to be at home when my kids come home from school most days. I expect that one day they will appreciate it too, but I’m not holding my breath.
How does your partner support you in your writing?
He’s great! I couldn’t ask for more really. He does most of the school runs, all of the supermarket shopping, the lion’s share of the endless ferrying to clubs etc. If I need to get on with something I always can, and everything would be so much harder if he wasn’t there to help me escape into the work.
“If I hadn’t been offered the publishing contract when I was, I’m not sure how long I could have kept on writing, and working, and parenting all at the same time”
Do you think the publishing industry is supportive of writing mums?
I have no complaints along these lines, but I realise I’m in a very privileged position right now as my advance is paying the bills. This situation is extremely rare for authors, who often need to work other jobs to keep afloat. For a long time, I wrote and worked a full-time job and had small children, but it’s unsustainable. If I hadn’t been offered the publishing contract when I was, I’m not sure how long I could have kept on writing, and working, and parenting all at the same time.
What are your top tips for other mothers who’d like to write?
Writing for me was an irrepressible impulse over which I had little control. I felt if I didn’t write I would go mad, or die. The only advice is to write, to keep writing, and then to write some more.
Please tell us a little bit about your novel.
In Little Darlings, Lauren becomes terrified that someone will do something terrible to her new baby twins, but her fears are dismissed as a product of her birth trauma and sleep deprivation. Later, when the twins are taken from her side while she’s in the park, the police are called. Everyone is relieved when the babies are found within the hour, apparently safe and well. Lauren, however, is convinced that they are no longer her children.
She will do anything to get her real babies back, even the unthinkable. Is she mad, or does she know something we don’t?
Quickfire Questions
What’s your favourite…
Novel about motherhood: The Hours Before Dawn by Celia Fremlin
Thing about being a mum: Hugs; Sunday morning pancakes; Simpson’s Time
Thing about being a writer: Solitude; creating something from nothing; being your own boss
Way to relax: First Dates and a load of snacks
Little Darlings is out on May 2nd in the UK, April 30th in US and Canada in ebook, hardback and audiobook. You can follow Melanie on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook.
You can order my debut, The Rival, here. Unfollow Me will be published in June.